Last one about him.

You know how you keep giving chances.
knowing that nothing will change.
but still hoping it will.
just so you can be happy.
the realizing that it won't.
and you aren't going to get that happiness.
the one that you long for.

Letting go of someone.
even if they always play games.
is the hardest.
but that's what is being done.
and I know, I know.
I'll get through this.
You just watch me.

And Ashton.
He'll be fine.
He needs a better parent.
a better role model than that.

So I'm throwing my feelings out the window on this one.
Moving on and I'll keep my head held high.

Just need to vent

There's so much I want to say.
And no way to express it.

My dad.

He's not doing so great.

I'm hoping it's just his medicine. 

Hoping.

Someone always has to stay with him.

One second he's here.

and another he's lost in our living room.

He still plays with Addy and Ashton.

When he feels good.

Some certain person thinks my sister and I don't care.

It wouldn't do any good crying in front of him.

now would it?

So why don't you grow the fuck up.

Stop being selfish.

and spend some time with him while you can.

Holy fuck.

I love my dad.

He's always been there for me.

and I'll always be there for him.

I'll deal with it when he isn't around.

And if he decides to cry in front of me

I'll cry with him.

Eric.

One minute you want nothing to do with me.
When I accept that.

You decide to come back around.

You want me to lie for you.

I feel like its because you're ashamed.

of me.

And all the cheating.

Ohh the cheating.

I wish you knew how it felt.

To feel completely 

worthless.

used.

ugly.

I only feel like this.

because I care so much.

I do everything I can.

just for you.

but that never mattered.

I only matter when it's convenient.

One last chance to prove yourself.

or

you're out of my life for good.

Still enough to mess up your day.

Excuse me mr. weather man.
but how do you know.
what will mess up my day.
Are you stalking me???

I'm craving a baked potato.
right about now.
too bad.

So I've decided that I need
inspiration-guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind

Now the rain is pouring down.
That's not so cute.
agree?

So many things.
are going through my head.
right now.
I wish I could just pull them out.
and sort them into something.
that makes sense.

Baby, I need a rainbow.
A huge one. That will never fade.
So when I'm sad I can look at it.
And be reminded of you.

Baby, stop playing games with my heart.

Ashton had a blast today. And he's addicted to music already. ANDD he says momma. I know it's soon, but he says it to often to be just a noise.

I'm sure there's some thing I've done.
Some things I shouldn't have.
But I'm ready to start living.
And that's how you do it.
Right?

I'm making new friends.
Probably not for the right reasons.
I wish guys would compliment me.
But in the right way.
Not the dumb.
I'm horny way.
Kinda gets annoying.
and no, I don't care.
about your dick.
But I'll play pretend.

 I hope I have good dreams tonight.

And I wish I could find someone.

Who just wants to cuddle.

;)

I don't believe people can change after making the same mistake over and over.

^ha, just a thought.

Time for some upbeat change, yes?

Party like a rock star. Yeah, who needs that when you're amazing as me:p jk, I'm not that narcissistic. At least I hope. I've gotten back into photography a good bit. Don't have time to read? get some french fries, turn on the tv, and get obese.Venture out and find a new friend. They won't like you in a year anyways.

Lucky charms would be so great right now. Although I don't think they'd be so lucky if I ate them.

I just wanna make you dance. make you smile. and make you love me. am I hoping for to much or can you make my day for the rest of my life? baby. I'm waiting for you.

If it means a lot to you:))

Ashton and I had a wonderful Valentines day together:) We took pictures and went to the park with Ashley and Addy. Here are some of the pictures we took .

By the way, Ashley is my sister and Addy is my niece. We've been going to the park for the last three days. It's been so pretty outside. Here are a few I've taken of Addy in the last few days:)

That's the horse she got or valentines.

 

 

FML

How do I go about explaining this one???

We were having phil's going away party last night and things got way out of hand. I had taken Ashton to the bedroom because everyone was being too loud for him to sleep. So Ashton and I sat in the bedroom and watched carebears. Jessica came in there for a while. After Ashton finally fel asleep I asked Eric if he'd come to bed. I really just wanted to spend sometime with him and talk about stuff. Well a little after that I came into the living room to find that my best friend, kristi, on top of phil and eric. I told Eric that he needed to leave so he came to he bedroom to talk to me about it and admitting kissing her. WHY WOULD MY BEST FRIEND DO THAT TO ME??? AND WHY WOULD MY FIANCE RUIN OUR FAMILY??? I'm beyond pissed. I don't have the words for anything. I guess that's why when Eric wanted to talk today I couldn't. All I could say s that there wasn't anything  to talk about. And when he kept on I started screaming that I hate him and that he fucked up my life and how big of a piece of shit he was. Truth is I knew something like this was going to happen. It always does. I shouldn't have let my guard down because every time I do, he does something like this. Maybe not to this extreme though. And I don't hate him. I could never hate him for some reason. Although it would make things a lot easier for me if I did. I'm promising myself that I won't take him back and that I won't believe a thing eric says. How can I trust him now right? I gave him all the chances I could. I really did. I don't understand why he wants to fuck up my life so bad. I don't understand why anyone would want to hurt someone like that. I did everything I possibly could for him. Everything. Anything he asked. Even if I didn't get it right, I still tried.

I put off breaking down until today. I guess that's when everything got real for me. I'm trying so hard to not fall into a deep depression for the sake of Ashton. He's the only light I have in my life. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my son. He's the one thing that's keeping me going right now. I'm sure as time goes on things will get easier. I'll find a new best friend that I can hopefully trust. (making sure it's a guy and not a gay one this time.)

Fapping, it's pretty must the latest trend. Just kidding. Everyone in the world doing nothing but looking at porn and masturbating. Yeah, nothing would get done. Unless, you could multitask. 

So I got a twitter. I finally decided to give it a chance. And I can say that it's pretty addicting. 

Oh, and I finally got my laptop back. Finally. It's been like forever. Well, like a few months. Same thing right?? Now I can post pictures and  it will be easier to update everything. Dance in your pants, kayy:)

Yesterday, we went to the mall. Some black girl randomly started projectile vomiting. All her mom could say was "DAMN!!" She didn't ask if she was okay or anything. And please don't think I'm racist, I'm really not. The mall was full of black people. And this mall is a white people mall. (If you saw it you'd understand.) I was wondering where they all came from, and then I realized that they must have gotten their income tax checks already. 

I can't wait for ours. Seriously, I need some clothes.  No one wants to see a naked me... or do you?

Ashton's getting so big. He'll be 9 weeks tomorrow. And he loves bath time. I can't wait to see how much he weighs now. By the way, here's a picture of my little boy:)

I need to upload the newer ones. That's when he was around a month. He's always smiling and laughing now. Right now, he's asleep with his mouth open.