I forgot to mention about vacation.
We went to a safari in GA
and it was absolutely amazing.
we got to feed zebras and other animals.
super cool.

Right now I'm sitting in the hospital
room with my dad
he goes for the gamma knife
on thursday which is
a surgery were they put
four screws into his skull
and pin point the cancer.
I hope it goes well.
My dad's swelling in his brain
has went down some
he can turn in the bed
and feed himself
but he had a stroke and most likely
wont be able to walk again

everything is super stressful
at the moment
hoping it gets a little better

ive pretty much stopped talking
to a few close friends
after finding out that
i cant trust them
or for the simple fact
that we just don't make effort
to hang out anymore
i kinda feel like
im growing apart
from everyone of my friends.

everyone's crazy. it's just about how you deal with it.

 the rain hasn't attacked me yet. good thing though because i'd hate to get hit in the head with hail.

 my legs asleep>.<

.

If only I could close my eyes
and everything get better
I feel like my world
has been flipped upside down

my dad is getting a lot worse
they found four tumors in his brain
and two in his spine on top of
the ones we already knew about
then said there's not
much they can do
dad still wants to fight
but we wont know
if he can until monday
this seems like forever

We've been preparing
for him to come home
building a ramp, widening doors,
stuff out, and cleaning
I even took a dog,cat, and kitten
to the humane society
and I cried.

Here I am at 4:52am
trying to clear my head
as everything sinks in
telling myself not to worry
that everything will fall into place
but life just doesn't seem
that way anymore.

life lately

dad got out of the hospital.
he still isnt feeling good.
and i know that honestly
things are just going to get worse.
i dont understand why
stuff like this happens
and good people suffer

eric's coming back around
we're taking things slow.
very slow.
i want to know that he's here for me.
not sex. not because i make stuff easy.
but because he loves me.

ashton loved mississippi.
and the beach.
he's 12 pounds now.
and 24" long.
he rolls over too.
i cant believe he's growing so fast.

i dyed my hair.
again.
black with pink at the bottom.
its cute:)

last night.
i hung out with jrowe and drew.
i havent seen either in a while.
we went to the mall.
and met up with ricky.
and a girl named nat.
she's pretty cool.
anyways.
it was super fun.

tonight.
eric and i are going to do something.
not sure what yet.
hope its funn:)

so so so :D

things have been pretty busy lately.
ashton's needing a lot more attention.
which is fine. i love playing with him.
dad has been in the hospital.
he passed out.
his blood count was super low.
he got four bags of blood.
some shots.
but he was released today:)
i'm in mississippi.
getting my hair did at the moment.
ashton loves the beach.

 

we didn't get in the water.

it was too cold.

plus ashtons way to young

but i'd stick his feet in it.

this summer is going to be amazing.
<3

Last one about him.

You know how you keep giving chances.
knowing that nothing will change.
but still hoping it will.
just so you can be happy.
the realizing that it won't.
and you aren't going to get that happiness.
the one that you long for.

Letting go of someone.
even if they always play games.
is the hardest.
but that's what is being done.
and I know, I know.
I'll get through this.
You just watch me.

And Ashton.
He'll be fine.
He needs a better parent.
a better role model than that.

So I'm throwing my feelings out the window on this one.
Moving on and I'll keep my head held high.

Just need to vent

There's so much I want to say.
And no way to express it.

My dad.

He's not doing so great.

I'm hoping it's just his medicine. 

Hoping.

Someone always has to stay with him.

One second he's here.

and another he's lost in our living room.

He still plays with Addy and Ashton.

When he feels good.

Some certain person thinks my sister and I don't care.

It wouldn't do any good crying in front of him.

now would it?

So why don't you grow the fuck up.

Stop being selfish.

and spend some time with him while you can.

Holy fuck.

I love my dad.

He's always been there for me.

and I'll always be there for him.

I'll deal with it when he isn't around.

And if he decides to cry in front of me

I'll cry with him.

Eric.

One minute you want nothing to do with me.
When I accept that.

You decide to come back around.

You want me to lie for you.

I feel like its because you're ashamed.

of me.

And all the cheating.

Ohh the cheating.

I wish you knew how it felt.

To feel completely 

worthless.

used.

ugly.

I only feel like this.

because I care so much.

I do everything I can.

just for you.

but that never mattered.

I only matter when it's convenient.

One last chance to prove yourself.

or

you're out of my life for good.

Still enough to mess up your day.

Excuse me mr. weather man.
but how do you know.
what will mess up my day.
Are you stalking me???

I'm craving a baked potato.
right about now.
too bad.

So I've decided that I need
inspiration-guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind

Now the rain is pouring down.
That's not so cute.
agree?

So many things.
are going through my head.
right now.
I wish I could just pull them out.
and sort them into something.
that makes sense.

Baby, I need a rainbow.
A huge one. That will never fade.
So when I'm sad I can look at it.
And be reminded of you.

Baby, stop playing games with my heart.

Ashton had a blast today. And he's addicted to music already. ANDD he says momma. I know it's soon, but he says it to often to be just a noise.

I'm sure there's some thing I've done.
Some things I shouldn't have.
But I'm ready to start living.
And that's how you do it.
Right?

I'm making new friends.
Probably not for the right reasons.
I wish guys would compliment me.
But in the right way.
Not the dumb.
I'm horny way.
Kinda gets annoying.
and no, I don't care.
about your dick.
But I'll play pretend.

 I hope I have good dreams tonight.

And I wish I could find someone.

Who just wants to cuddle.

;)

I don't believe people can change after making the same mistake over and over.

^ha, just a thought.

Time for some upbeat change, yes?

Party like a rock star. Yeah, who needs that when you're amazing as me:p jk, I'm not that narcissistic. At least I hope. I've gotten back into photography a good bit. Don't have time to read? get some french fries, turn on the tv, and get obese.Venture out and find a new friend. They won't like you in a year anyways.

Lucky charms would be so great right now. Although I don't think they'd be so lucky if I ate them.

I just wanna make you dance. make you smile. and make you love me. am I hoping for to much or can you make my day for the rest of my life? baby. I'm waiting for you.

If it means a lot to you:))

Ashton and I had a wonderful Valentines day together:) We took pictures and went to the park with Ashley and Addy. Here are some of the pictures we took .

By the way, Ashley is my sister and Addy is my niece. We've been going to the park for the last three days. It's been so pretty outside. Here are a few I've taken of Addy in the last few days:)

That's the horse she got or valentines.

 

 

FML

How do I go about explaining this one???

We were having phil's going away party last night and things got way out of hand. I had taken Ashton to the bedroom because everyone was being too loud for him to sleep. So Ashton and I sat in the bedroom and watched carebears. Jessica came in there for a while. After Ashton finally fel asleep I asked Eric if he'd come to bed. I really just wanted to spend sometime with him and talk about stuff. Well a little after that I came into the living room to find that my best friend, kristi, on top of phil and eric. I told Eric that he needed to leave so he came to he bedroom to talk to me about it and admitting kissing her. WHY WOULD MY BEST FRIEND DO THAT TO ME??? AND WHY WOULD MY FIANCE RUIN OUR FAMILY??? I'm beyond pissed. I don't have the words for anything. I guess that's why when Eric wanted to talk today I couldn't. All I could say s that there wasn't anything  to talk about. And when he kept on I started screaming that I hate him and that he fucked up my life and how big of a piece of shit he was. Truth is I knew something like this was going to happen. It always does. I shouldn't have let my guard down because every time I do, he does something like this. Maybe not to this extreme though. And I don't hate him. I could never hate him for some reason. Although it would make things a lot easier for me if I did. I'm promising myself that I won't take him back and that I won't believe a thing eric says. How can I trust him now right? I gave him all the chances I could. I really did. I don't understand why he wants to fuck up my life so bad. I don't understand why anyone would want to hurt someone like that. I did everything I possibly could for him. Everything. Anything he asked. Even if I didn't get it right, I still tried.

I put off breaking down until today. I guess that's when everything got real for me. I'm trying so hard to not fall into a deep depression for the sake of Ashton. He's the only light I have in my life. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my son. He's the one thing that's keeping me going right now. I'm sure as time goes on things will get easier. I'll find a new best friend that I can hopefully trust. (making sure it's a guy and not a gay one this time.)

Fapping, it's pretty must the latest trend. Just kidding. Everyone in the world doing nothing but looking at porn and masturbating. Yeah, nothing would get done. Unless, you could multitask. 

So I got a twitter. I finally decided to give it a chance. And I can say that it's pretty addicting. 

Oh, and I finally got my laptop back. Finally. It's been like forever. Well, like a few months. Same thing right?? Now I can post pictures and  it will be easier to update everything. Dance in your pants, kayy:)

Yesterday, we went to the mall. Some black girl randomly started projectile vomiting. All her mom could say was "DAMN!!" She didn't ask if she was okay or anything. And please don't think I'm racist, I'm really not. The mall was full of black people. And this mall is a white people mall. (If you saw it you'd understand.) I was wondering where they all came from, and then I realized that they must have gotten their income tax checks already. 

I can't wait for ours. Seriously, I need some clothes.  No one wants to see a naked me... or do you?

Ashton's getting so big. He'll be 9 weeks tomorrow. And he loves bath time. I can't wait to see how much he weighs now. By the way, here's a picture of my little boy:)

I need to upload the newer ones. That's when he was around a month. He's always smiling and laughing now. Right now, he's asleep with his mouth open.

Fap fap fap

Phil's home for a few weeks. It's nice to see him forreal. So we had a party over the weekend. 60 day rave in two days. Pretty crazy stuff. Phil and Kristi got drunk off their asses. You can bet that was funny. Kristi was tripping over shit and rolling in the alcohol she knocked over. And I'm pretty sure Jessica is my new best friend. Rick and krissi came over the second night. The house ways a complete disaster either. It only took about an hour to clean:)) anyways I guess what I'm saying is I had fun and it was nice hanging out with everyone.

Change

Yesterday I got my lip pierced. It didn't hurt and it looks pretty neat. Yes that means I like it. The swelling has went down already. Lucky me:) but the inside of my lip is horrible bruised. Before it happened I asked how much you normally bleed and his reply was usually people don't at all. Right after it was done my mouth filled with blood. Great right? But that may have something to do with the zoloft I'm taking. Anyways I fell I'm love with it and plan to get the other side done soon. Hopefully I won't bleed as much.

I'm getting a tattoo next month. Super excited about that too.

I'm ready to start living:)

Rest.

Random things, yes.

One. I love my son more than anything.
Two. My favorite movie is spirited away.
Three. I can cook eggs in th mircowave.
Four. I am slutkitten.
Five. I miss my best friend, Phil.
Six. Tons of people have lived with me.
Seven. My Dvr is recording something and I'm not sure what.
Eight. Eric knows how to make me laugh and I love him.
Nine. I hate using numbers, but sometimes I'm too lazy to spell them out.
Ten. I like to watch people and find out their tendences. That's my hobby.
Eleven. I still throw fits like a child when I don't get my way. Sometimes.
Twelve. That is getting better.
Thirteen. I like sprite.
Fourteen. Ashton just woke up and went right back to sleep. Cute.
Fifteen. I don't wear underwear. Much.
Sixteen. I'm not really good at anything. Pretty depressing right?
Seventeen. I'm currently looking for a job.
Eighteen. Eric and matt are setting stuff on fire.
Nineteen. I'm always cold.
Twenty. I can be really outgoing.
Twenty and one. Baby kitten is in my lap.
Twenty and two. I've calmed down so much.
Twenty and three. I love taking showers.
Twenty and four. My car was given to me.
Twenty and five. Video games are the shit.
Twenty and six. Winter is pretty and the sky looks closer at night.
Twenty and seven. I'm dying my hair soon.
Twenty and eight. I just yawned.
Twenty and nine. I'm thinking this was a waste of time.

Do you ever try to picture yourself as someone else. Just to see what their life is like.or wonder what everyone opinion about you really is. Who's your true friends and who's using you. What about what you'll eat tomorrow. Or how you're going to get the money for stuff you need. How many childeren you'll have. Will you ever find "the one". How much you'll sleep tonight. If you're making a mistake. What about regret. Will you be successful. It you're watsing your time. How certain things are made. What's really in the stuff you eat. Are you fat or getting fat. What would have happened if... Yeah I thought so.

Thursday, I went to Devin's school to see him read some of the things he had written. It was wonderful. Afterwards I hot to meet all of his friends. And I must say everyone has their own little thing going on. Seeing as it's a fine arts school I guess that's expected. It was neat:))

That night Eric, Kristi, Justin, Nick, and I went bowling. I came in third because I suck. But I'm not as bad as Kristi and jrowe:p I had to take my moms suv because cramming five people in my car is impossible with all the baby stuff in there. Not that I mind. Later some crazy stuff went down. Nothing I'm going to ever mention that's forsure.

I woke up to Ashton screaming because Eric accidently dropped the bottle and it hit him in the head. I wasn't very happy. When I called the doctor they said that it was okay as long as the bump went outwards. And it did. A few hours later it went down. I was seriously scared. But he's okay and that's what matters.

Have you ever had one of those days where anything you say gets turned into a song? I've been having a lot of those lately. And I must say it's the best.

Last night Eric and I watched two movies. We don't get to spend a ton of time doing things like that and I really enjoyed it. Ashton slept mostly. He likes sleeping.

Ashton's eating more and with greater times inbetween each feeding. He only wakes up once or twice a night. I just looked over at him and he has hiccups. And he really really gets annoyed by them. He has almost grown out of all of his clothes. Time to go by new ones:)

I'm not getting as pissed off as I usually do. I guess the medicine I'm using works as far as depression and anxiety go. I do fell a bit jittery and my teeth hurt from always hitting down really hard. Silly side effect. They should go away soon. But I'm glad that I feel good about myself again. That's something that I haven't felt in a while.

My house is a mess and eric's mom is coming over tomorrow so I guess it's full on cleaning today. Eric's going to enjoy this.

How things go

I've been extremely bitchy lately and to all of the wrong people. I want to apologize and things get back to normal. Butttt I'm super scared they wont forgive me. So do I take that chance? Yes, as soon as I get the courage to do so. I'm seriously hoping thing get better.

It's pretty much freezing, just saying.

Ashton is moving so much. He's like a little ninja or something. Yeah that's right he'll kick your butt:p but forreal it's cute when he's asleep and makes little whiney noises. He's playing with a few toys every now and then. Oh, and he doesn't like tummy time very much.

Okay so a lot of things have been going on. Much of it I'd rather not say because it would make me and some other people look pretty bad. I am going to say that it all got fixed and the last two days have been pretty good. Stay this way please???

My dad only has a few radiation treatments left. He really doesn't like to talk about it, but did manage to tell me that his cancer isn't as bad as it used to be. Good. And I'm glad he told me at least one thing.

Oh how i've missed our adventures.

This weekend was pretty epic. Friday night Hailey stayed over and we played the kinect for hours. Saturday night I hung out with kristi and Justin. We went around everwhere. Kristi and I were dressed alike looking slighty like sluts. We did yoga in old navy and drew on the floor with chalk. Then we ate and looked for potential to stalk. We found some dumb kids thaT we had been making fun of for a while but they wouldn't leave. So we went to walmart and found a car with three people. Made it really obvious we were following them. Then they followed us to a gas station where they got out and yelled for a minute. That was fun.

I'm currently looking for a job. My demands are kinda high seeing as I have to find a babysitter and whatnot. I want something three days a week for about 6 hours a day. Right now I'm trying to get on at the place Kristi works at looking after children when school let's out for three hours a day. That would be perfect. Wish me luck.

Ashton's doing a little more. He makes tons of noises and stays up for longer periods of time. He's also eating a good bit more. Luckly wic pays for most of the formula. He's in size one diapers. They're still pretty small. He's out of newborn clothes except for pants. Hopefully I'll have some pics up soon.

I wish we had money to pay bills. Eric's work slowed down to a stop and he hasn't looked for a new one very much. I haven't either though. It's stressful knowing you can't pay for anything you have or need. Not even gas. On the upside of the money issues Eric doesn't owe any of his medical bills from the wreck. His finacial aid was approved, yay. One less t hing to stay awake thinking about.

I ordered some glasses. Hoping I don't look like crap wearing them. I only had a choice of a few pair because my face is smaller than most of the frames they had. I also got contacts, as always.

My new goal is to get a new friend. Here I go:))

I found out christmas eve that my dads cancer has spread to his brain. No one decided to tell me when they found out. Maybe they forgot? Don't think so.

Eric and I are having a hard time spending time together. It's gotten better over the past few days. I hope things stay that way. We've always had our ups and downs. Relationships are always like that though right?

I realized that I surround myself with people by their flaws. I'm not exactly sure how to explain this but I will try my hardest. I fall in love with people's flaws. I always look for the worst things about a person. And after hanging out for a while I get very annoyed. And I don't want to be around them anymore. This is something I'd like to change about myself but I don't see it happening ever.