I forgot to mention about vacation.
We went to a safari in GA
and it was absolutely amazing.
we got to feed zebras and other animals.
super cool.

Right now I'm sitting in the hospital
room with my dad
he goes for the gamma knife
on thursday which is
a surgery were they put
four screws into his skull
and pin point the cancer.
I hope it goes well.
My dad's swelling in his brain
has went down some
he can turn in the bed
and feed himself
but he had a stroke and most likely
wont be able to walk again

everything is super stressful
at the moment
hoping it gets a little better

ive pretty much stopped talking
to a few close friends
after finding out that
i cant trust them
or for the simple fact
that we just don't make effort
to hang out anymore
i kinda feel like
im growing apart
from everyone of my friends.

everyone's crazy. it's just about how you deal with it.

 the rain hasn't attacked me yet. good thing though because i'd hate to get hit in the head with hail.

 my legs asleep>.<

.

If only I could close my eyes
and everything get better
I feel like my world
has been flipped upside down

my dad is getting a lot worse
they found four tumors in his brain
and two in his spine on top of
the ones we already knew about
then said there's not
much they can do
dad still wants to fight
but we wont know
if he can until monday
this seems like forever

We've been preparing
for him to come home
building a ramp, widening doors,
stuff out, and cleaning
I even took a dog,cat, and kitten
to the humane society
and I cried.

Here I am at 4:52am
trying to clear my head
as everything sinks in
telling myself not to worry
that everything will fall into place
but life just doesn't seem
that way anymore.

life lately

dad got out of the hospital.
he still isnt feeling good.
and i know that honestly
things are just going to get worse.
i dont understand why
stuff like this happens
and good people suffer

eric's coming back around
we're taking things slow.
very slow.
i want to know that he's here for me.
not sex. not because i make stuff easy.
but because he loves me.

ashton loved mississippi.
and the beach.
he's 12 pounds now.
and 24" long.
he rolls over too.
i cant believe he's growing so fast.

i dyed my hair.
again.
black with pink at the bottom.
its cute:)

last night.
i hung out with jrowe and drew.
i havent seen either in a while.
we went to the mall.
and met up with ricky.
and a girl named nat.
she's pretty cool.
anyways.
it was super fun.

tonight.
eric and i are going to do something.
not sure what yet.
hope its funn:)

so so so :D

things have been pretty busy lately.
ashton's needing a lot more attention.
which is fine. i love playing with him.
dad has been in the hospital.
he passed out.
his blood count was super low.
he got four bags of blood.
some shots.
but he was released today:)
i'm in mississippi.
getting my hair did at the moment.
ashton loves the beach.

 

we didn't get in the water.

it was too cold.

plus ashtons way to young

but i'd stick his feet in it.

this summer is going to be amazing.
<3

Last one about him.

You know how you keep giving chances.
knowing that nothing will change.
but still hoping it will.
just so you can be happy.
the realizing that it won't.
and you aren't going to get that happiness.
the one that you long for.

Letting go of someone.
even if they always play games.
is the hardest.
but that's what is being done.
and I know, I know.
I'll get through this.
You just watch me.

And Ashton.
He'll be fine.
He needs a better parent.
a better role model than that.

So I'm throwing my feelings out the window on this one.
Moving on and I'll keep my head held high.

Just need to vent

There's so much I want to say.
And no way to express it.

My dad.

He's not doing so great.

I'm hoping it's just his medicine. 

Hoping.

Someone always has to stay with him.

One second he's here.

and another he's lost in our living room.

He still plays with Addy and Ashton.

When he feels good.

Some certain person thinks my sister and I don't care.

It wouldn't do any good crying in front of him.

now would it?

So why don't you grow the fuck up.

Stop being selfish.

and spend some time with him while you can.

Holy fuck.

I love my dad.

He's always been there for me.

and I'll always be there for him.

I'll deal with it when he isn't around.

And if he decides to cry in front of me

I'll cry with him.

Eric.

One minute you want nothing to do with me.
When I accept that.

You decide to come back around.

You want me to lie for you.

I feel like its because you're ashamed.

of me.

And all the cheating.

Ohh the cheating.

I wish you knew how it felt.

To feel completely 

worthless.

used.

ugly.

I only feel like this.

because I care so much.

I do everything I can.

just for you.

but that never mattered.

I only matter when it's convenient.

One last chance to prove yourself.

or

you're out of my life for good.

Still enough to mess up your day.

Excuse me mr. weather man.
but how do you know.
what will mess up my day.
Are you stalking me???

I'm craving a baked potato.
right about now.
too bad.

So I've decided that I need
inspiration-guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind

Now the rain is pouring down.
That's not so cute.
agree?

So many things.
are going through my head.
right now.
I wish I could just pull them out.
and sort them into something.
that makes sense.

Baby, I need a rainbow.
A huge one. That will never fade.
So when I'm sad I can look at it.
And be reminded of you.